This year has been such a crazy year for me. It has been a roller coaster ride for sure with peaks and valleys. A time where I was challenged to rest in my faith. Many times when I didn't rest in that faith and was a wreck. :) I want to go back and just hit the highlights for my own memory...
Around April my thyroid started acting up again. I have had thyroid problems for about 3 years and have been on medication. But in April, suddenly it went crazy again and this time it swelled really large on both sides of my neck. You couldn't really see it on the outside (unless you knew and then you kind of could tell), but it was extremely uncomfortable for me. When I swallowed it felt crazy, like it was going around a huge lump. I went to the doctor to have it re-looked at and they came to the conclusion that I had Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. That means that my body doesn't recognize my thyroid as part of my body and creates antibodies to attack it to kill it off. This can be controlled with medication (the one i was already on), but in 40% of people the swelling in the thyroid never goes back down. I was one of those lucky 40% -ers. :) So they said basically my option was surgery to have a thyroidectomy where they completely remove the thyroid. Ack! I was not excited about this option at all as it is major surgery and you are in the hospital for a few days and as with all surgery there are risks.
I asked to be referred to an Endocrinologist in Charlottsville in the hopes of maybe there was something else we could do. In the end, it turns out surgery is truely the best option for me. Thru all of this, I really suffered from extreme anxiety. Anxiety like I have never ever experienced before. It was so scary. It was also so incredibly frustrating for me that I was suffering so badly from it and that I wasn't just completely trusting the Lord. My mind was such a battleground for those months. In my heart I knew the Lord was with me, I knew the promises of His Word. But my mind was another story. It was exhausting. I had 3 times where I had true 'panic attacks' and literally felt like I was having a heart attack. I guess the thing I haven't mentioned yet is that until they did surgery they wouldn't know for sure whether it was cancer or not. That little detail plagued my mind every minute of every day. My faith was challenged sometimes on an hourly basis. I also felt challenged as to what I was going to let my mind think on. I wrote down Scriptures on a paper to read just to speak truth to my mind and spirit in those moments I just couldn't get my mind to go along with my heart.
It truely was one of the scariest times I have gone thru. So I scheduled an appointment with the surgeon at UVA to do pre-op appointment. There was about a 3 week period in between my appointment with the endocrinologist and the surgeon. And during that time is when we got thrown a curve ball.....I found out I was pregnant!!!!! I am smiling just remembering the night I found out. Imgaine me already a nervous wreck about things, and my imagination going crazy about whether I would be here in a year. I would tear up when I put the kids to bed at night just wanting so badly to not die. Isn't that crazy? The thoughts that I had in those weeks were horrible. Certainly not from God. Ones I had to choose to take captive. And in the midst of all that I found out I was pregnant. Almost comical. Almost. Not quite. :) Of course I then had a whole new set of worries that presented themselves. Would the baby be ok? What would happen with the surgery now? Was it cancer or not and how would that be handled now that I was pregnant. It was such a crazy mix of emotions with the worries of it all, but just the excitement of knowing inside me another one of our children was growing, that we had been blessed yet again!!!
I immediatly called the endocronologist to let him know about the new turn in events (to which he laughed! ). He assured me that if it was cancerous, they could safely do the surgery in my second trimester. The new plan we came up with was for me to go have biopsies done on the different nodules in my neck to see if it was cancer or not. So I had that done (EXTREMELY uncomfortable to say the least.....ugh!), and we waited 3 days for the results. Talk about getting some practice on choosing what you let your mind dwell on and choosing to rest in the Lord. It was such a time of stretching and growing for me.
By Friday at 4pm they still hadn't called, so I couldnt' take it any longer and told them I had been going crazy and begged them to get the results before the weekend. This dear nurse was so compassionate and did some extra work calling around to the hospital and labs and called me back 30 min later to let me know that EVERYTHING was non-cancerous!!! I literally felt a weight fall off of me. I can't quite explain the feeling of relief I felt. Because it wasn't cancer, both my endocrinologist and OB said it would be fine to wait until after the pregnancy to proceed with surgery. It was like a party in my brain! The best news i could have gotten and I felt like I could finally fully embrace and fully focus on the excitement of being pregnant.
I feel like I can't accurately put in words the range of emotions I went thru in those months. But what I do know is that God was so faithful to me. He carried me thru that time. He used it as a time for me to grow. A chance to challenge my faith. The way I think. A testimony of His goodness in my life not only in the good times, but in the rough times as well.
With that part of things behind us, it was so great to be able to focus on the blessing that was dropped in our lap in the midst of it all. We decided to go ahead and tell the kids when I was around 8 weeks along. They were so excited. Especially Maddie. She was so cute. The next day she came home from school with a card she had made and had her whole class, all her teachers and some random neighbors sign. hahaha! What a precious girl.
First trimester was a bit rough with feeling sick. Fast forward to around 15 weeks and I came back to life! Its amazing how much energy the 2nd trimester brings with it. I struggled a bit with some anxiety again around 17 weeks or so. I have had 2 miscarriages. And as hard as I try, it always creeps to the back of my mind. I hate it that it does, but I wouldn't be truthful if I didn't say so. There were 2 doctor appointments around this time where the couldn't find a heartbeat right away. They took me and did an ultrasound right away and discovered I have an anterior placenta (that means its attached down the center of my stomach). It just makes it a bit more difficult to feel movement early on as well as a heartbeat, but everything looked great with the baby. I also had a very close friend (who was 2 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy) miscarry at 17 weeks. All of that sent me into a bit of a tailspin, where once again I was in a situation where I had to choose to not let me mind dwell on negative things. I experienced another panic attack at the doctors office, sending my blood pressure THRU THE ROOF. My doctor was very alarmed to say the least. I explained to her how I had been having some anxiety issues and I thought it was just all related to that. We did some other procedures just to make sure everything else was ok and I wasn't having high blood pressure all the time. Sure enough, as soon as they listened for a heartbeat, it came right down. So now my chart has a little note to let the nurses know to take my blood pressure AFTER the appointment. :) FINALLY around 23 weeks I have been feeling constant, strong kicks from my little baby! Such a sweet reminder that everything is indeed fine inside of me and calming this mama down.
As I look back on this year, I see how each thing has been a building block for me. Growing me a little more. Maturing me a little more. I have just felt like things are so out of my control, that that actually comforts me. I guess I am a little hard headed and it takes me a while to catch on. :) More than anything, I know that I know Jesus has walked with me in a way I haven't felt before. He is so good. So faithful. I still struggle from time to time with worrying, but am a work in progress.
Wow. That was a long post. So thats where I have been. The reason for the lack of posts all year. :) Things are going so well now. And I am just enjoying this precious time in life. The feeling of new life inside of me. I am so blessed.
Maddie and her buddy Kimberly before the show.
Maddie's cheering section!
Maddie is on the far right.
Here is the ONLY other ride Maddie would ride. It was in the "Kiddie Zone." I love the look on Kobe's face....thrilling. :) He was a good sport and rode with her.
Look how nice and clean the water is....Mmmmm! :)
Matt did an amazing job of driving and got us back safe and sound. It was definitely a 4th of July we will not forget and definitely a memorable trip!
Yay for popsicle weather!!!!!!
What a crew!
